Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
If you can't read the sticky note, it says "My Mom has a PhD in math"
Whenever I point these things out, I get "oh! well not yooou". You missed the fucking point. (If you don't see what's wrong with that response ... I just don't have the patience to explain it to you...)
okay, also bonus:
Friday, June 17, 2011
There is a difference between being hit on and being harassed. I promise. And the difference is whether or not the other person thinks you owe them jack-shit. I've been told I was pretty by strangers and was flattered, but when someone comes up to you and makes it clear you fucking owe them your time, your attention, sex or empathy, they are claiming that you don't have the right to say no or that you're not interested. And you know what? I don't owe you jack shit.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Where do men like Pennsylvania gym shooter George Sodini get the idea they're too "nice"?
BY KATE HARDING
There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.
That line from the diary of Pennsylvania gym shooter George Sodini, written before he killed three women and himself, almost makes me feel bad for him. Almost. Because in among all the misogynistic and racist ranting that makes up the bulk of the diary, he actually showed a flash of insight: There was something blatantly wrong with him, and people who told him how nice and attractive he was probably were blowing sunshine up his ass. No one told him the truth, especially not the women he was attracted to. Among miscellaneous notes tacked on at the end of the diary, he wrote: "Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a 'nice guy.' Not kidding."
Sodini knew that was B.S. And yet, in an effort to learn how to appeal more to women, he took dating classes with R. Don Steele, where he was taught that being too "nice" was his whole problem. Tony Ortega, writing in the Village Voice today, transcribes a video of a Steele seminar Sodini attended, in which the author of "How to Date Young Women: For Men Over 35" says, "I would say that's the problem with most of the guys in the room. That you're too nice. Women don't like that. They don't respect it. It's about as arousing as a booger." To underscore the point, he writes on a whiteboard, "Nice Guy Must Die."
Plenty of people in the feminist blogosphere have attempted to clarify the distinction between guys who are actually nice -- whom many women, as it happens, really do dig -- and "Nice Guys," who, as Amanda Marcotte puts it, "are angry at women, at least the ones they will admit are women because they are the only ones they find sexually attractive, who refrain from giving out sex despite the fact that said Nice Guys® feel they've put in the requisite work of putting forth kind behavior, whether phony or at least somewhat sincere." But to disciples of the R. Don Steeles of the world, it never gets through. What gets through is: Women tell me I'm nice when they reject me, and my laydee-getting guru tells me women don't like nice guys, and I have a kneejerk dislike of the guys I see dating women I'm attracted to, ergo, all women hate nice guys and love jerks.
We don't have to wonder why professional Pickup Artists keep banging the "women don't like nice guys" drum: It makes them a hell of a lot of money, by reaffirming what their customers already, self-servingly, believe. So maybe a better question is: Why are so many women reinforcing the idea that insecure, manipulative jerks who feel entitled to 20-year-old booty if they put on a clean shirt and refrain from saying "whore" out loud are nice guys? How is it that so many guys like Sodini -- the kind who routinely refer to women as "hoes" (sic) and "bitches," and act disgusted by the thought of women having sex with any other men -- have heard, "You're really nice, but..." again and again in the course of being rejected?
In a post about how women's socialization leads to the very behavior we're blamed for if we have the poor judgment to let ourselves be raped, blogger Harriet Jacobs offers one answer. She says women are taught, among other things, that "it is not okay to set solid and distinct boundaries and reinforce them immediately and dramatically when crossed ('mean bitch')... it is not okay to make personal decisions that the adults or other peers in your life do not agree with, and it is not okay to refuse to explain those decisions to others ('stuck-up bitch')... it is not okay to completely and utterly shut down somebody who obviously likes you ('mean dyke/frigid bitch)."
Telling a guy the real reasons you're not interested -- you don't find him attractive, he's way too old for you, you get a distinctly creepy vibe off him, whatever -- or offering no explanation at all, because you just met this guy and owe him nothing, would be "rude." And thanks to the conditioning Harriet describes, exhibiting the slightest hint of "rudeness" to any stranger who approaches you with sex on his mind makes you feel not like a normal human being with healthy boundaries, but a mean, frigid, stuck-up bitch. Worse yet, sometimes, the same man who called you beautiful and offered to buy you a drink ten seconds ago will turn aggressive when you say you're not interested; he'll tell you flat out you're a bitch, or a whore, or less printable things. He'll reject your rejection by getting in your face and losing his temper. So really, it's a lot safer and simpler to say, "Look, you're a nice guy, but no thanks/I have a boyfriend/I can't." Most guys will walk away calmly after that -- and hey, it's none of your concern what they go home and write in their diaries.
I don't mean to suggest that that should be women's concern, or that we should stop using excuses that extract us from unpleasant and potentially dangerous situations as efficiently as possible. I just think it's worth taking a look at how a sexist culture gets women coming and going here. Because we're taught to be polite, submissive, and generous even when men are making us uncomfortable, we automatically reach for the "nice guy, but..." out. Then the guys convince themselves that "nice" is a dirty word, and charlatans like Steele profit from telling men who hate, fear and objectify women, who feel entitled to women's bodies and enraged when they're denied access, that they just need to stop being so gosh darned nice to women. And then one of them snaps and starts killing women he describes as not even looking human to him, and we're all like, "Huh, didn't see that coming. "
I'm sure this will have no more effect on "Nice Guys" than it has when umpteen other women have said it, but once more for the record: Guys, you are not being rejected because you are too nice. Niceness is a positive characteristic. I doubt any straight woman -- even the kind with a stated preference for "bad boys" -- has ever said to herself, "Hmm, I'd be really into this guy if he weren't so compassionate, thoughtful, and respectful. If he'd just dick me around and insult me a little more, I'd want to rip his clothes off." If you get rejected by every woman you approach, the problem could be a million different things, but I guarantee it's not that you're just too kind for your own good. We tell you you're "nice" because we don't want to be rude, we don't want to risk your aggression, and most of all, we want you to leave us alone.
George Sodini knew he wasn't really a nice guy. He knew there was something "blatantly wrong" with him. He wished someone would tell him what it was. But who's going to say, "You seem to have a really deep hatred of women, and some serious rage issues, and a ludicrously overblown sense of entitlement, and I'm guessing you'd need about a hundred years of therapy before you'll be ready for a healthy relationship"? Certainly not any woman he approached at a bar, who only wanted him to go away as quickly as possible and without incident. Nor friends who, by all accounts, kept pulling away until he had none anymore. Probably not his family, whom he professed to despise. So that left R. Don Steele, whose best advice was, "Nice Guy Must Die."
Well, this one did, along with three innocent women. As long as Pickup Artists keep conning insecure men into believing that hatred of women is the hallmark of a real man, and women still have reason to feel it's too risky "to completely and utterly shut down" men who make them uncomfortable, I guess all we can do is hope there aren't too many more "Nice Guys" out there with guns.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Go read this article on Feministe
If a self-styled “Nice Guy” complains that the reason he can’t get laid is that women only like “jerks” who treat them badly, chances are he’s got a sense of entitlement on him the size of the Unisphere.
So Nice Guys® are the people who think that girls (that is, the girls they *deserve* to date, because those girls are 20 years younger than them and way out of their league) only date jerks. They come to this conclusion because they opened a door for a girl once and that didn't immediately get them laid like it *should* have, because any basic human decency towards women has to be repaid by sex. Now.
I dated a Nice Guy® a couple years back. It was the worst thing I've ever put myself through. He said things to chip away at my self-worth (told me I needed to loose weight a lot, which was hilarious because he was much heavier than me) and threw honest to goodness temper tantrums whenever I said something critical or suggested that it was ok if I never made plans but he could at least pretend to ask me if I was okay with whatever he informed me we were doing that day. And threatened to kill himself if I left. (In a weird way, I'm glad, because it was the kick in the ass I apparently needed to build myself a self-esteem and start thinking I was worth something and that, no, I didn't need to put up with shit from everyone, because if I did, this was exactly how bad my life was going to be).
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I’m tired of those of us who care in the game industry complaining that there aren’t enough female protagonists while those of them who make the money decisions keep responding, “Gee, we’d love to, but the market data is clear. They just won’t buy it.” I hear that from WOMEN in those money/marketing positions, too. And they say it while agreeing with the principle of the thing. Since when did it become okay to NOT do something we know is in best interests of our kids, just because our profits won’t be as obscene? I am all for obscene profits, but I want my daughter to see and play characters she can relate to. SHE wants that; nobody put it in her head.
I’ll freely admit, as sensitive a dude as I am, this didn’t become a concrete issue for me until I started seeing how much more excited my kid got when there was a girl onscreen she could identify with. She asks for “girl songs,” “girl movies” and “girl games.” Why shouldn’t she have that? I had that as a kid. She’s a consumer. We’ll buy it. I’ll MAKE it. We can’t be the only ones. I know we’re not. As I told @leighalexander for her article, I’m DYING to write more female protagonists. I do everything I can to make that happen.
I am less than successful. This angers me and, when I look at my little girl, breaks my heart. It’s not right. Forget the data. Scale down the budget accordingly if needed. We are not serving half our audience in the manner they want and deserve. Not good enough, gamemakers, dammit. Not good enough. Here endeth the lesson.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I actually want to surface some of the comments written on GeekFeminism:
I wonder if Randall reads Geek Feminism–maybe it just shows up on his Google Alerts when someone ’round here mentions him. There was a post a while ago praising an XKCD strip for passing Bechdel, and to me it seems like ever since then, Randall’s been making a concerted effort to include more women in his strips.
Of course, not that many pass the Bechdel test per say:
Skud points out strip 752, and counts back 400 strips to the previous Bechdel-passer (though there’s discussion in the comments about whether or not another intervening strip counted).
In the 144 strips since then, I count eight solid Bechdel passes (1.798 2. 813 3.816 4. 829 5. 865 6.872 7. 877 8. 896) and three Bechdel-maybes (1. 819: “thanks for the great night” momma joke, 2. 846: woman speaking to (but not with) Ke$ha about dentistry, and 3. 867 , in which one woman responds to another woman’s presentation.
But you know what? I don't care so much about that. Yes, having more than one (nerdy) female in a comic strip is great... but tons of Munroe's strips *actually have any*. And that makes me so happy.
I took the liberty of collecting some data on xkcd characters over the last 100 comics (#800-900). Below is a visualization of my findings. Note: for the purposes of this data characters with traditionally-female hair styles are presumed female. Those with no hair or traditionally male hairstyles are designated male.
For reference, women comprise 29% of the workforce working in computer or information science according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2006.
You'll note that not every strip contains human characters, meaning that fewer than 100 comics are represented in the following chart:
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
If you were not convinced by that, here is just one sample of the awesomeness:
You see, uterus, you are attached to my other organs and when you thrash around in anger, they become quite upset. Your little hissy fits prevent me from doing anything that cannot be accomplished while in the fetal position.
And another, because I can't help myself:
Thirdly, be nice to the other organs. They are more important than you. In fact, I could live without you completely if I so desired, so stop acting so godd*mn important. You are a floppy pouch of extremely stretchy skin - big f**king deal. Get over yourself.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The whole article is here, and it is written by Harriet J, whose whole blog is worth reading.
Here are just the highlights, for those who want the sparknotes version:
You are told a rape joke. These are your options:
"Run with the rape joke! Make it even more rape-y! Now your friend will never guess you have been raped. Bonus prize: if he ever finds out, he will respect you for not making a “big deal” out of your rape"
"Say Nothing. Hate yourself for saying nothing. ... Hate your friend, because he doesn’t know that every woman he knows has been raped. Have minor flashbacks of what was done to you. No feeling the sun, the breeze now, just his hand on your shoulder to get leverage."
"Initiate a Very Serious Conversation, out of nowhere, like. Tell your friend that joke was not funny. Tell him rape is never funny. Keep talking after his face has pinched up in resentment and disgust, because you are RUINING his day and his BEER and his FUNNY."
"Follow version one, except also disclose to your friend (who thinks rape is funny and exciting) that you have been raped. Be surprised, all over again, that this does not immediately change his perspective ... Wonder if he has raped, without knowing it, because it was just a concept. ... After this, will he now tell everybody that you FREAKED OUT just because you were apparently “RAPED” and you can’t GET OVER IT when it was just a JOKE, SERiously? Will everybody know you have been raped? Will everybody think you are a humorless rape-bot from now on?"
The article. go read it. Reading it makes me unhappy all over again - and I guess that's my endorsement of it. I'm not going to comment too much on what's written above except to say that it's true, and it's a decision you have to make in an instant, because the conversation will move on like nothing happened and that whatever you do you will feel like shit, and somehow, somehow that will turn into your fault.
I tried writing things for this for a while, but that became overwhelming, so we're going to try this: I am going to post things I think are great or interesting or whatever that I want to be able to come back to, and maybe even route people to... and then maybe eventually I will get around to some of my own things.